I again experienced the strange separation from my body as the night before, but this time it was only once and I resisted very little. I did resist, though, as the feeling is somewhat disturbing.
Interestingly, I remembered several dreams upon waking. I have determined that the dreams I am remembering are meant to help me with this transition by allowing me, this Earth Self, to play out scenarios and sort through beliefs and worry. Technically, these dreams are doing what psychologists say dreams are meant to do.
One particularly vivid dream I remember occurred this morning and was the last dream I recall having. In this dream, I was inside a small, yellow-lit house, in the kitchen with a man. He was older than me, about 40, and confided in me that he was still a virgin. I remember that at this point in the dream he began to resemble Steve Carell and the movie, “41-Year-Old Virgin” was prominent in my mind. I am not attracted to Steven Carell in the least but in this dream there was an attraction I could feel in my root and second chakras. I recall feeling very alive and vibrant but not being overcome by desire or anything like it. I felt compassion and sympathy toward this man and also felt a very strong connection with him.
The dream seemed at first to be moving toward the sexual. We kissed and touched one another, but it was all very gentle and exploratory – there was no hot and heavy passion or flames of desire. It was like we were getting to know one another and exploring the familiarity that existed between us. It was very much like we were two teenage virgins connecting with the opposite sex for the first time.
I remember deciding that we should stop exploring one another. I was also aware of my middle son being nearby and something about his presence caused me to think of my husband. My relationship with my husband was what caused me to pull back and I remember thinking and saying, “I have to end it with him”. There was such finality in what I said/thought. I also felt to be doing the right thing because I did not want to hurt him or cause him to feel betrayed by me going ahead with another relationship while still in one with him.
At this point there was a knock on the door. It was a friend. I began to busily clean up the living area, sweeping up debris and cleaning off the furniture. I moved upstairs and I overheard the Steven Carell look-alike complaining and reprimanding my son. My stomach flip flopped and I thought to myself, “There is no point in starting a new relationship. They [men] are all the same”. Yet there was recognition that the words being said, the harsh criticism coming out of his mouth, were in fact my own words.
When I went back downstairs I was questioned by my friend, “Where were you? We have been trying to find you since last night”. I realized it was already mid-morning and so I told her, “We fell asleep”. I had a worry that someone would think we had been doing something wrong but then I knew we had not.
When I woke from this dream I thought, “I have to leave him” but it did not scare me and now, as I think about it, I don’t think that is necessarily what the dream means. To dream that someone is a virgin denotes integrity and honesty with one’s self. It suggests that there is an “ideal” that is being sought out in a situation. In this case, within a relationship. So I am looking at what I would like to have versus what is reality. The reality being that I am not innocent in how my relationships turn out. The statement, “I have to leave him” is representative of the Old me, not my actual husband. I have to leave behind the old me, the old habits, beliefs and criticisms, in order to achieve my ideal.
The Steven Carell look-a-like was most likely a version of myself, the me I connected with in order to explore this area of my life.
When I got online to peruse the news I found this article – Heartache for Japan’s Real-Life 40-Year-Old -Virgins. It was the first article I saw and I actually laughed when I saw it.