Purpose?

I have spent an entire lifetime searching for my purpose. It has been quite elusive. The only sense I have of it is that I am here to help. The problem is that I never knew exactly how.

I have always been jealous of people who knew exactly what their life purpose was and how to fulfill it. My ex-husband was one of these. He told me that he knew from the age of six. Six! And he achieved it exactly. The drive toward his purpose was intense and without doubt. Oh how I wish I had that!

I have met others who knew without a doubt what they were here to do and the steps to take to get there. Each time they seemed to have always known. Me, never. I just seem to drift here and there.

My earliest memories in childhood are of talking to myself and or listening to an inner voice. I was mostly happy and carefree. I had vivid dreams and visions I didn’t understand but I was not really worried about them.

But, when I was seven that all changed. I had recurring nightmares and emotional upsets. I realize now that I was overwhelmed by the emotions of others. I could not block them and took them on as my own. It was at this point that I began to wish for my own death. I often said over and over, “I wish I were dead” and I spent much of my time angry that I was alive.

By the time I entered my teens I had isolated myself pretty much from everyone, though I could not do that with my family. This I did to protect myself; to maintain some sort of balance. I was also searching for my purpose. I could not find it and there was always this gaping hole inside of me, this unfulfilled part that welled up from within. I felt something was missing but I didn’t know what. On top of that I had no clue why I was here other than “to help”.

I continue to be haunted by the feeling that I am suppose to be doing something but I don’t know what. I have become use to it, focusing on one area or another in my life to stay busy. When I am busy the feeling is not so noticeable. But it is always there.

I am again finding myself noticing the feeling. I have this impatience now that was not there before. I continue to feel as if I am waiting to get this urge to act. Yet it never comes. I feel like I have been waiting forever for this knowing, this purpose, to come to me.

I am not sure it will ever come.

In recent days I have been very close to my HS. I feel impatient. I want to “get on with it”. I am reassured and reminded to focus on my heart, which I do, but it only seems to increase the feeling that there is something, just out of my reach, waiting for me. It has rekindled the desire to find my purpose, to live my purpose. But there is a definite hold back occurring. Not yet. Not yet.

It makes me want to kick and scream and yell. It also makes me want to sigh and give up. I am told “Apathy won’t help”. I understand this and so I resign myself to my daily routine, trusting my HS. I am encouraged to write, to keep writing, so I do. It does help to get all of this out. Maybe someone is listening, maybe not. Maybe someone can relate. This path is a lonely one and a frustrating one, that is for sure.