Last night was again a night of frequent vivid dreams.
I was in a school and left my room. When I returned an older lady was inside and had completely reorganized it, turning it into a classroom. There was a group of elementary students sitting in desks. I was alarmed.
The woman smiled, very proud of herself and said, “We decided to set up the room so that it was more conducive to teaching. I needed to work with these students and this works better for me”. She pointed to a table and then at the twelve or more individual student desks crammed up near the front of the room.
I looked at her like she was crazy and told her, “But this doesn’t work for me and this is my room. Please put it back to the way it was. I don’t work with more than six to eight students at the most, so I don’t need all these desks”. I pointed to cubbys that had been set up on one side and said, “And I don’t need these”.
I walked to a closet where I had stored some things and found that it had been cleared out and made into a small classroom with a large central desk with chairs set around it. Feeling I should at least try to compromise, I concluded that it would be okay to leave this space as it was and told her, “But you can leave the closet like you have it. I am okay…”
She interrupted me, obviously very upset and disappointed and said, “That’s fine. I will put it all back like it was”. She walked around the class and began to get the students to help her put it back the way it was. I remember feeling at odds with myself somewhat. I wanted to make her happy but at the same time I did not want my space cluttered and taken over by this woman.
At this time, a black woman entered the room looking for me. She told me that she had some important news for me. She introduced herself as the representative of a family, the name is lost to me now.
“You have been listed as the new guardian for a baby girl. Her parents were both killed, as was her twin and other sibling”.
She escorted me out of the room as she told me their story. I was, of course, shocked as this was unexpected and I was not prepared to once again care for a newborn.
The woman explained that the family knew me from a while ago. The grandmother, still living but ill, was one of my previous coworkers. She had chosen me as the new guardian. She told me I had a choice and did not have to accept. I told her, “Of course I will take her”. In my mind I could not refuse and leave the little girl in the system. I quickly disregarded all my concerns about being ready and the burden it would cause my family. I wanted to meet the child.
We entered the house of the family. The grandmother was sleeping in a chair. I looked closely at her, trying to remember her. She was very old, with white hair and dark skin. I immediately went to her and another family member said to her, “Mother, she is here”. The old woman opened her eyes and smiled at me. She conveyed to me that she knew the child would have a better life with me.
I was then shown the baby and it was explained to me that she was born premature but was currently just 4 weeks old. I looked at her, expecting to see dark skin, but her skin was pale and her eyes light. She was very, very tiny and so precious. I did not dare pick her up as she was sleeping. In my mind I saw an image of what she would look like as she grew up. Beautiful. She had that beautiful creamy mix-race skin and curly, soft blondish-brown hair. I was completely accepting of my new role as her mother.
It was then explained to me that I would have to take a class in order to be her new guardian and then adopt her.
The word “adopt” kept echoing in my mind and ultimately woke me up. I was in a panic over it, literally thinking such an event might happen. But now I think it was more symbolic of a new beginning coming into my life which involves acceptance of parts of myself I have previously rejected. Then the previous dream flooded my memory and I realized I was in the midst of a reorganization of Self.