1950

Today in session I went back to the year 1950. I have been to the particular life before but not this specific memory.

Electroshock Therapy (ECT)

When I touched on this memory the first time I was hit with such a panic in my chest that I lost my breath. At the same instant I knew I had ECT and it was the source of the panic.

Upon further inspection, I was able to see quite a bit of the entire treatment series from the moment I came into the room to the moment I left it. The room had a large, double-sided glass viewing area behind which stood an odd-looking chair with straps on it. It reminded me first of a dentist chair but I knew it was not one. There were two male doctors wearing traditional scrubs and masks and a female nurse who ushered me in.

The nurse wheeled me into the reception area and spoke to me, telling me it would be okay, not to be nervous and that it would not hurt. Then one of the male doctors approached me with paperwork and asked me to sign, explaining he had to have my consent. My mind was very confused and chaotic at the time. All I recall thinking is that I was insane and then contradicting that thought with the opposite thought. I recall seeing myself sign the sheet. I could see a large J or looped L in my name.

I then saw them do something with my wrist/hand. I thought I was also stamped or ID’d but I am not sure.

When I got into the chair they placed something over my eyes and the doctor to my right told me to relax. I felt pressure on my temples, more on my right than my left.

The next thing I recall is a very bright white flash. It was then that I left my body.

I spent the next minutes outside my body hovering over it and watching the scene with interest. I felt very detached from my body. I knew it was mine but I did not care much about it. I saw that I had blue colored goggles or something over my eyes, was wearing a hospital gown and had something over my feet. I was also strapped securely into the chair. I saw the man on my left standing over a machine that was gray in color with a black knob. I also saw the grayish colored stone of the room and the tile ceilings. There was various wires around my body as well and what I think might have been an IV bag.

I heard the man on my right say, “Are you okay?” and I was back in my body. I felt very confused and disoriented. I could not remember who I was or where I was. The feeling was not scary at first but then it was, especially as I began to feel my body. I had sensations in my present body of being very hot and wanting to clench my teeth. I also had the odd sensation that my teeth were made of wood and solid. The hot sensations eventually passed after I went through the life a number of times in order to find all the details.

After the procedure was done, they had me stand and then sit in the wheelchair. They asked me questions I could not answer and I was told it would be okay several times. I remember feeling very mentally dull but it was clear that my disorganized thoughts were gone. In fact, almost all thinking was gone. I was very sad afterward, thinking, “It didn’t work” over and over.

I knew prior to the ECT that I had been suffering from major depression to the point of catatonia. I had suffered greatly at the hands of my abusive husband. I eventually lost it when he began to beat our daughter and I met him at our front door with a rifle of some sort and shot him in the shoulder. He did not die but you can imagine the trauma that came of it, especially since I was a Black woman in the South.

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