I am told that I am going through a transition stage by Eron. From what he has showed me, this transition phase involves a shift in the direction of my auric energy flow along with the integration of my ego-Earth Self with that of my Higher Self. The results are already being noticed but will be subtle and build up over time.
Last night I had several dreams which are mostly lost to me now. In one, I was speaking with a young woman who resembled me but appeared about ten years younger with blonder hair. I told her that she had one-and-a-half years yet to go before she would meet up with another. The young woman appeared disheartened by the news and I knew I had told her something she did not want to hear.
I awoke suddenly from this dream feeling that I had been the recipient of this message rather than the woman and wondering if the message was about meeting with my Higher Self or meeting another person. I worried it meant the latter but as has been the usual for me lately, let the thought pass by and did not focus upon it. And even now, when I try to think on it more I feel as if I am being told, “You will see. Do not waste your energy on trying to figure out something you are not yet meant to know. Trust that it will be revealed when it is meant to. Leave it”. So odd that now I listen to this internal dialogue and do not fight it. And stranger that it no longer much resembles a dialogue but rather an instinctive knowing and nudging.
After waking I stayed up a while, my mind blank and wanting very much to snuggle back into my covers and sleep. Yet I had again the high energy that I had prior to December 12th and so tossed and turned for some time in my attempt to sleep until the sun rose.
At some point I must have fallen back to sleep as I found myself inside a mental hospital. This is the second time I have dreamed of being in a mental hospital and it bothered me even from within the dream. Yet my feelings were subdued and accepting, as if I knew this was exactly where I was suppose to be.
As I waited in the waiting room, I noticed a foreign family sitting and waiting as well. The family consisted of an elderly couple and their son. The woman was hovering around her husband who was to be admitted to the hospital. He appeared bent over and catatonic. The son was busy pacing around.
The elderly woman began to talk to me and told me they were Hungarian. I do not remember much about our conversation but I do remember that she wanted me to speak to her in Hungarian but I could not. I told her my husband could and called him over. It was at this point the dream seemed to shimmer and I found myself in a different dream within that dream.
I was speaking to my brother-in-law and he was comforting me about my being admitted to the hospital. I don’t remember what we spoke about but I do recall hugging him tightly and feeling that wonderful feeling I often feel when I am comforted by one of my guides. I felt safe and as if for the first time in a long time I could really rest. There was also a strong desire to be with him but I was confused because he resembled my brother-in-law and so I was conflicted.
When I awoke from the dream I felt sad. It seemed to me that I was being told I had to wait. I felt to be in a very critical condition. Not that I am “sick” really but I honestly felt as if I were dying. I recall reading somewhere that this is a normal feeling for one who is in transition. They may feel they are truly about to die and believe this to the point that they prepare a will and get their estate in order. I have felt this for some time and have even considered drawing up a will, sure that I would die soon. It was this feeling that again hit me after this dream. It is a deep apathy that does not move but just sits there. It is as if all the fight in me is gone and I have nothing left. There is a death coming/in process. It is the ego death.
I tell you this, though, the feeling is very, very convincing.
In dreams, to be in a mental hospital symbolizes the giving up of one’s own body or Self. This seems appropriate to me as does the man in the dream who appeared catatonic. It was very apparent that he needed to be in the hospital and so I believe he was a reflection of my own need to be in such a symbolic place. I had no personal rejection of being there or being admitted. It felt to be a place of support and love. I should be happy about this dream because it shows my willingness to surrender yet the feeling is that this is a process I cannot rush.
As this day progresses, all I can think about is how very long a year-and-a-half seems. For a while I despaired over it and felt I could not endure even one more minute like this. It was then that I heard Eron say to me, “Time is nothing but a preoccupation of thought”. And since then I have left the fixated thoughts behind me. What really does it do to help by thinking about something I have no control over? It is so much easier to not think of such things.
And I am not miserable, really, but the feeling I do have is indescribable. I go about my days with some rise in anger at my situation only to have it squelched suddenly by some unseen force within. I then go about my day thinking only of what I am currently doing. When I try to think ahead I feel brain dead, as if someone has squeezed that channel in my brain closed. To think of the past exhausts me. If I think positively about the future this does not happen, though. It is very odd to me but I do not fight it. I do not have the will left in me to do so and to fight feels so wrong anyway.