“I won’t do this alone. We are partners in this”.
That is what my guide/Higher Self said to me early this morning.
I had just awakened from a dream in which I was sitting in a booth next to an elderly African American man. I recall him very clearly, both the way he looked and the way he felt. He had kind eyes. The kind of eyes with wrinkles etched deeply around them in an arc from years of smiling. He had patches of gray in his nappy hair and age spots dotted his face. He had a face that likened him to Morgan Freeman, though he was much older.
His energy was soft and calming, filled with love and a deep understanding of me that I cannot remember feeling in this life before. There was a timelessness about him, as if he were ancient beyond understanding and I felt very honored to be in his presence.
He reached over and gingerly took my hand in his. There were no words spoken yet I knew this man was asking me to come be with him. Recognizing this I agonized over the choice. I badly wanted to be with him yet my mind kept going back to my current husband. For some reason I felt that the choice required that I leave my husband behind and my loyalty to him was/is fierce. My family is very important to me and I felt overwhelmed by the choice I felt I was being asked to make.
We sat together like this for some time. I continued to battle from within while he sat with me, holding my hand and surrounding me with acceptance and love. It was obvious to me that I would choose him and the fear of losing all I have was overpowering. Each time I would panic he would send a wave of love toward me. I felt it rise up from my root chakra. It moved upward along the back of my spine. I felt it rise all the way up between my shoulder blades. It was tingly and nice but I resisted it, worried again about betraying my husband. At the same time I desperately wanted to let the energy find my heart and anticipated the amazing feeling that would accompany it. Yet I could not let it reach my heart, not yet.
I awoke to the energy spiraling up my spine. I was laying on my back and my guide/Higher Self was all around me. I knew instantly the elderly man in my dream had been him. I was overcome with emotion at this and there was finally an understanding of just how beautiful I am. An understanding the he was me and I was him and that he would be patient and loving through the process. He would not rush me and he would not force me into anything I did not want or was not ready for. And that is when he said, “I won’t do this alone. We are partners in this”. And I felt such relief at this statement because I worried that I had no choice; that I was merely along for the ride. It was now obvious to me that I had a say and that when I was reluctant, my Higher Self would hold my hand and gingerly take me through the process of clearing whatever it was that was holding me back.
In response my guide/Higher Self said, “Be kind to yourself” and I remembered the lesson I learned about my inner child. At the memory he asked me to consider the choices ahead. When I began to grow fearful he again reminded me to remember my inner child and to treat her with kindness, patience and love. When I did this I wanted to cry and there was approval felt from my Higher Self.
It was 3:30am and I could not return to sleep. My mind was very awake and I felt rested and ready for the day. I contemplated just getting up and getting ready for the day but knew my body would tire much too quickly if I did. I asked my guide, “Help me to sleep” and he said, “Lay on your back” and so I did, but I do not really like sleeping on my back. He said, “Your heart is more open this way”. I accepted this. But my mind was full of thoughts and would not quiet. He then said to me, “Listen. Focus on your heart”. And so I did and the thoughts stopped and I felt the energy in my heart surge. This has been happening when I focus on my heart and listen.
I lay there for a while without thought and an odd thing became noticeable to me. At times I would be very aware of my heartbeat. Sometimes it would beat loudly in my ears, racing. Then, almost as soon as it would start, it would fade out and be quiet again. I did not feel it beating in my chest, I just heard it. I was instructed to not focus on it but I couldn’t help but hear it when the beating would intensify. Eventually, though, I must have fallen asleep despite the distraction.
My dreams were nothing like the thoughts that had been keeping me awake. They continued the conversation I had been having with my guide/Higher Self. The most vivid one was of me returning to the same university campus I had been in in another recent dream. The university was very grande and ancient looking and I was late for class. Interestingly, I went onto campus in a wheelchair and was the teacher, not the student. I entered my classroom and there was a science lad underway. I knew my first period was off so I questioned the instructor who apologized for using my classroom without prior notice.
I left and headed for my History class. In this class I would be the student. I also knew where the class was held. This is in contrast to my last dream in which I felt lost and could not remember my schedule. I headed to the second floor and the room number 10.
I awoke again, the dream very vivid in my mind and my guide/Higher Self once again felt to be all around me. It was 5:00am and I knew I still had an hour before I needed to get up. Again I was not tired and thought about just getting up but my guide/Higher Self instructed me to stay and to again focus on my heart. I did, the buzzing energy in my heart intensified and information began to pour into me from my Higher Self.
Through this communication I recognized that during this phase in my merging that I was working from the root chakra upward while in the first phase (the one that started in 2003) I had been working from the crown down. I saw this process occurring and being helped along by guides and assistants. This made sense to me as when I first became aware of my guides and spiritual gifts it seemed to come all at once and I seemed ill prepared to handle the responsibility of it. I spent most of my time very ungrounded. This was only intensified by my denial of my physical life and responsibilities.
Rather than view this merging process as something planned and enacted by some higher power than myself, I began to see it as a process being played out between the part of me who Forgets and the part who Remembers. The part who Remembers is the teacher and the part who Forgets is the pupil. As the teacher, the part of me who Remembers must adjust the lessons and the process based upon the response of the pupil. If the pupil cannot handle one method, then another one is employed. And another, and another, and so on and so forth until the pupil is responsive.
During round one, though I was responsive in the beginning, the process was overwhelming and I hadn’t gained enough life experience to handle it properly. It was then determined, by us both, that a delay was needed and a new method was employed for this second phase.
So here I am, slowly moving through this round and finding it much easier and less chaotic than the first. I recognize that it is because I have matured and gained in experience. Specifically, the experiences I have had of motherhood were/are necessary. Without them I would not have the compassion for myself that is needed to progress. I also have the lessons learned from the previous round and the Ego has grown weaker as a result.
Balance is Key
I now understand just how important it is to remained balanced through this process. In the first phase I immersed myself in the spiritual and denied the physical to the point that I became very out of balance. A result was near insanity and complete misery as I fell into a deep depression. I remember the discussion I had with my guide/Higher Self at the time I was losing touch with physical reality. I saw in my mind a pendulum and recognized that I had only allowed it to swing to one side, the spiritual. I was told it was time to let the pendulum swing the other way. Eventually, I saw that the pendulum would swing both directions, maintaining a balance between both worlds. But first I had to live the other extreme which denied the spiritual. I did this for nearly five years.
Now I am being asked to reintegrate the spiritual and find balance. It comes with the same feeling of trepidation that came with the end of the last phase. This time, though, I feel more prepared. My view of my guide/Higher Self is shifting noticeably. Rather than feeling intimidated like a schoolgirl entering the principal’s office when he speaks to me, I feel honor and reverence in his presence. I am beginning to identify him as me.