Beauty in the Dark

Before I go into detail on my morning’s excursion, I want to talk a bit about my day yesterday. My youngest (he’s almost 8 months now) has been going through a clingy, whiny stage for about a month now. Yesterday was probably the worst so far. I could not get anything done without having to endure wails of agony from my son. He also refused to take a nap and would not eat. I assume he is teething but there is no tooth or even swelling of the gums and one would think after a month of this a tooth would appear if it were teething! I spent most of the day catering to his needs. In between that I also had to cater to my older two children while fighting bouts of frustration and a feeling of overwhelm that kept rising up into my throat almost choking me.

Finally, after an entire day of enduring screaming and whimpering I took my baby to a room away from his siblings for some mommy time. He instantly cheered up, roaming around and playing but always coming back to mommy. I got out a book and read to him and he became elated, jumping up almost to standing and clapping his hands. He was so happy that later, when we ate dinner, he ate so much food I thought he would burst.

As the evening came to a close, my little baby settled down quietly and fell asleep earlier than usual, allowing me and my husband some alone time which was much needed. We ended up having some good conversations and for a very nice end to the day.

When I went to bed I did some yoga and read a bit of a book. I then set my intention: “I want to find my core self and continue whatever healing that has been started”. I did not set an intention to astral as I really did not have interest in it.

False Awakening

I awoke once at around midnight and then resumed sleep without incident.

I heard my baby crying very loudly for what seemed to be a long time. I ignored the screams and covered my head with a pillow, hoping my husband would take care of it. The screams continued for a while and then I heard the door open. I heard my husband come in and felt him set the baby on the bed. The baby continued to scream and my husband said to me, “You deal with him” and left the room. I sat up and grabbed the baby and had many thoughts hit me at once. I was so tired and just wanted to sleep and wanted to yell at my husband to come get the baby. I thought about doing this but felt conflicted because I knew my husband was frustrated and that I needed to take over.

I felt hazy at this time and struggled to understand what was going on. Part of me knew I was sleeping but the other part was sure I was awake.

I opened my eyes and heard my baby crying. I suddenly realized I had been dreaming and that none of the incident with my husband had even occurred. I suddenly became very concerned and got up to check on them. I found my husband soothing the baby downstairs and I let him be, sending him the thought, “Well done”. I noticed it was 5:50am, so I went back to bed.

Too Many Children

I could not go back to sleep at first. I was really cold and could not seem to get warm. I also kept hearing everything that was going on in the house. All my children soon got up and I heard the pitter patter of tiny feet along with talking (my oldest seems always to yell when she talks). I got irritated and began to curse my life silently to myself. I remember thinking, “I wish I had never had children. I wish I had never started this life”. Then I rolled over, put a pillow over my head and tried to sleep. I set an intention, “I want to go OOB”.

The next thing I remember is being outside with a group of people, most of them children. A story was played out in front of my eyes. It only lasted a second, like it had instantly been downloaded into my mind. I knew that a couple had started a family and had child after child very quickly. They had five children, the youngest just a baby. I saw in front of me these children and the couple. There were twin girls standing in front of me and a woman who was taking care of the baby.

I was semi-lucid as I heard myself talking with a woman while watching the scene in front of me. I saw the baby up close and knew he was a vampire baby. I shuddered at the thought. The woman taking care of him was not doing a good job and the next time I saw the baby he had become thin and gaunt and very close to death. The woman taking care of him was not concerned. I remembering thinking the baby was only half human.

The conversation in my mind continued. She recounted the story of the family, saying they got married quickly and jumped right into having child after child without giving themselves much time to bond with one another. I recognized this story as my own and remember saying to her, “I chose that adventure”, instantly recognizing that I was seeking adventure in life and grabbed onto an “acceptable” adventure which was getting married and having children. I did this without thinking of the long-term consequences and now I was stuck in the “adventure” and it was not so much fun.

Again the carriage with the baby came into my vision. I peered into it, assuming I would see a skeleton baby since he was surely almost dead the last time I saw him. I even envisioned the skeleton to prepare myself for the horror of it. Instead I saw only a blanket, no baby. I inquired where he was and the woman said, “Over there” and I looked and saw a plump little blond boy crawling around on top of a changing table. I asked, “He was almost dead the last time I saw him!” The woman replied, “That was his old caregiver. She neglected him a lot. He is fine now”. I saw the boy’s rosy cheeks and smile and wondered about him. The woman said, “He has a lot of energy”. I watched as the boy scooted to the side of the table and wiggled around. He did have a lot of energy. I was then aware that this baby needed a lot of attention and needed patience and help so he could learn to channel the energy properly.

Alaska – OBE

Something about the dream conversation shifted my awareness and the scene instantly changed to a new one. I found myself inside a house. The lights were out but I could make out the furniture and surroundings. It was a nice place and very cold. I was standing in the kitchen and could see the silhouette of sliding glass doors to my right. Moonlight poured through the window and illuminated the kitchen bar in front of me.

I was in the middle of another conversation with an invisible woman. Lost inside my mind, I talked to her until her voice was gone and I was talking to myself. I was rejecting the idea of my current “adventure”, mad at myself for taking on so much. One part of me was the voice of reason, the other part (the me in the dream) was the stubborn child.

Suddenly an idea came to me that I should look at buying a house. It was in Alaska and I got very upset by this. I looked down and saw I was holding a real estate brochure for a home. I glanced at it and saw it was a very nice house and a part of me was interested in buying it. I remember saying, “No! I don’t want to buy a house! I don’t want to live in Alaska!” I closed the brochure but my interest was peaked and I began to think about living in Alaska. I thought of the long winters and balked at the prospect of driving on icy roads again. I rejected that part. Then I thought, “I want to lay in the sun” and thought of going outside in the sun and then remembered I couldn’t do that in Alaska. I remembered when I lived there. The isolation. The darkness. I didn’t want that. Then I remembered I use to go to tanning beds and thought, “I could go to a tanning bed”. I looked at the brochure again and saw the price for the house was $1.5 million but then the price vanished and I couldn’t find it. That was way too much for a house!

Something clicked at this point and I looked at the glass doors and said aloud, “This is a dream”. Instantly aware I was creating all of this, I immediately recognized I was wearing heavy winter clothing. I tore off an imaginary coat and began to rip off what appeared to be a hat and goggles. I then went through the glass doors and outside, still tugging at my imaginary winter garb. I felt shrouded in heavy winter clothing and wanted it off.

Outside the moonlight was still illuminating everything quite well and I saw the yard was surrounded with trees and tall shrubs. The air was crisp and I knew it was still summer. My vision was blurry and I again took off goggles of some kind. My vision instantly cleared and I blinked a few times. I then looked more closely at the shrubbery and thought, “I should go that way” but then stopped myself thinking, “I don’t want to go that way” thinking that way meant I would be alone. I instantly wanted to go to the front yard so turned that way. I saw a privacy fence between myself and the front. I had the idea that if I crossed the fence I would find other people and not be alone. I decided to jump the fence and propelled myself upward. I went up quite fast, flying up so high that I worried I would not come down. To my delight, I did a flip mid-air and landed on the other side of the fence. In front of me I saw an open yard dotted with trees but I was still alone and it was still dark. I brought my hands up to look at them as it usually helps me feel more solid but when I brought my hands up instead of seeing glowing hands I saw heavily gloved hands. Disappointed and wondering why the gloves were still there (hadn’t I taken them off?) I decided I would try singing as it seems to always help me gain awareness. I launched myself into the air and began to sing loudly, “Ah ah ah” (like from the Little Mermaid). I began to be pulled upward very fast and I closed my eyes as I sang but my voice kept cracking and I could not get the cracking sound to go away. I kept singing, though, hoping I would escape the place I had been in.

I felt my energy settle back into my sleeping body and opened my eyes.

Beauty in the Dark

When I awoke I was pleased that my intention to astral had worked but I was not pleased that I had seemed to get nowhere in my experience. I also was upset to find myself yet again in Alaska. What did Alaska represent? Being alone. It represented all that I had felt when I had lived there in reality. I had gone in search of adventure but found the adventure was shrouded in loneliness. I had thought I could handle being alone but it had nearly killed me. The new adventure I had sought, having a family, was also shrouded in loneliness, but of a different kind. It was more bearable but I was drowning and felt similar emotions to how I felt when I lived in Alaska. In my OBE I had tried to escape the trap I had put myself in but could not. I felt burdened by a heavy shroud of winter clothing yet I felt cold still. It was very representative of my life and how heavy the burden of it felt. I could not free myself of it and the OBE seemed to indicate trying to escape was not the solution.

As I type this I am reminded of a song I wrote when I was living in Alaska. Back then I had yet to connect with my guide yet I was drawn to write music. I wrote many songs, the lyrics seeming to just flow out of me. I found moments of joy in the mostly sad songs I wrote. One of my favorites was called Beauty in the Dark.

Beauty in the Dark

I understand your sorrow
I understand your pain
I want to see you smile
I want to hold your hand.
And although this place is colder
And darker than where we’ve been
I’ll take you somewhere warmer
Be your light
In the dark.


Take the darkness and wrap it around you
And you’ll find beauty in the dark
Don’t let the winds of the arctic prevent you
From searching for your heart

(Alternate ending)
I’ll find a way
I’ll take you there
Find somewhere where you belong.

Can’t you see the colors
Of the Northern Lights
They will offer comfort
In the dead of night.
And as the wind blows memories
Of places and times gone by
My love will be a blanket
Of warmth, of warmth.

Let me kiss the teardrops
From your swollen eyes
There is nothing to fear
It will be alright.
And as the days grow longer
In the Land of the Midnight Sun
Our love will grow much stronger
Lead us on, and on.


Look to the bands of color
That paint the northern sky
A canvas filled with wonder
If you would only try.

Chorus (with alternate ending)

I guess I need to find beauty in the dark again.

Lucidity scale: 5

Intent stated?: Yes

Time to bed: 9:30pm

Time to wake: 5:50am; 7:30am

Meditation?: None

Physical Exercise?: Yoga

Mood: normal to low

Body: muscle aches

Tiredness: Moderate

Number of wakings: 2

Technique?: No

Sleeping position: stomach

Supplements: Natural Calm, Sleepy Time Extra Tea, Benadryl 25mg, Calcium 500mg, Vitamin D 1000mg, Vitex 150mg, DonQuai 150mg


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