Rejecting Desire

The night before last, my guide asked me, “Why are you here?” I replied, “To help”. He then asked, “Who?” and I replied, “The Many”. He repeated his question. I thought about it and began to list off names. At first I was uncertain, but as I listed them I began to remember people from my past and included people from my present. They were not all family members, but this didn’t surprise me.

He then asked me if I believed helping people was only done though positive interactions with them. I thought about it. I recognized that the answer was, “No”. Again, I did not think about it too much but just accepted the answer as fact. I knew I had negative experiences and interactions with people in my life and it made sense that perhaps my “helping” them was through negative interactions.

New School

I fell asleep after the conversation and had an interesting dream. The dream began with me riding in a car along a very dark street in a city. I was not driving. It was raining and I remember feeling uncomfortable. I came to an intersection and saw a classmate of mine in her SUV waiting at the light. I looked and she was asleep. I remember yelling out, “Look at her! She’s asleep! Why isn’t she awake?”

My car continued through the intersection and I remember seeing a woman with dark brown hair. She took my hand and walked me up to a school. It had stopped raining but the sky was still overcast.

The school was very obviously an elementary school and it appeared to be an older one, perhaps built in the 1970s. She led me into the building and I looked down and saw golden colored carpeting. I looked around and saw dark wood trim and a very nice, clean space that was also painted a golden color. It appeared to be the cafeteria but it was divided into sections for the different grade levels. I noticed staff members standing around the edges and a speaker, the principal, at the front.

I leaned against one of the walls that separated the space as the principal spoke to the staff and students. I listened as he gave a history of the school but I do not remember it now. I was noting how few students there were. This was a small school! There were maybe 20 children in each of the sections and I noted three sections, two at the bottom and one at the top. They were seated at tables like in a cafeteria but they weren’t eating. The room was being used as an assembly room at that time.

A man passed by me and looked at me curiously. He was wearing cowboy boots and jeans and looked a lot like my mother’s husband, with long, brown and graying hair that was thinning on top. He smiled at me and I felt uncomfortable and briefly worried he was coming onto me. I did not want that and shrank back from him. I felt very out of place and uncomfortable.

The principal paused and then introduced the woman who walked me into the school. A little girl came up next to me to stand for a minute and asked me a question. I did not know how to answer her and was saved by the woman who came with me who told the girl to go sit down. She then walked up and began to speak.

I knew the woman who brought me was associated with a benefactor to the school and she mentioned his contribution to the school and also mentioned how very well adapted the school had become. This had saved them money in heating and cooling, she said. She then pointed me out to the group and introduced me as new staff at another school, calling me “Indy”. I smiled and thought to myself, “I like that name”. I looked down at a red folder in front of me and saw my name written on the top – but it was not my real name. It said, “Indiana”. I remember again liking the name, especially the nickname – Indy. When I read the last name I do not remember it fully but I swear it said, “Jones” as in “Indiana Jones”!

Interpretation

My interpretation of the dream is that I was being introduced to some individuals I would be “helping” and they belonged to a newer group of Souls than my own group. I was a “teacher” or similar to them. I may not be fully comfortable with this position, as indicated with my feeling uneasy and out of place.

The part where I remarked how an ex-classmate of mine was “asleep” at the wheel stood out very strongly in my dream. I believe this part of my dream was me recognizing how people often sleep through life, as if on automatic pilot. This particular classmate was one I really disliked in school and continue to not like. Perhaps I was recognizing that she was not aware of being this way.

The interesting part is where I am called by the name Indy and see the full name – Indiana Jones – written on a red folder. I like the name and seem to accept it. I remember very clearly, “I LIKE that name”. Even now, the name Indy is appealing to me for some reason! However, the name Indiana Jones is very much linked to the movies by that name. I use to love watching those movies! They were full of adventure, romance and mystery.

It was brought to my attention that perhaps I am about to embark on an adventure. The red folder may be symbolic of the root chakra or sexual energy and desire. Because my new name was written on the folder, could it be that this “new” adventure is linked to sexual desire?

Rejecting Desire

I did not mention it, but when I woke from this dream I was very uncomfortable with the part about the man looking at me. This is what stuck with me when I woke up and I became a bit panicked over it. Out of the blue I began to remember how it felt to desire someone, not just in a sexual way but be completely drawn to them. I pushed the memory away because it came with a feeling or knowing that I might be feeling this again. I think the fear came because I worry this person will not be my husband. I completely rejected the feeling/knowing because I do not want that to happen!

After spending time writing out the dream and looking at the symbolism behind it, I began to remember other dreams. These dreams I have written about in my blog before. In them I am either telling someone I cannot be with them because I am married and/or feeling huge amounts of guilt for cheating on my husband (which I have never done). My husband admits to having similar dreams.

Then it occurred to me that perhaps my Higher Self is trying to tell me something. Perhaps I am rejecting what I am being told because I do not want to confront it. And then I realized the dream and this adventure could be a warning of things to come.

When I considered the possibility I wondered if it was a warning. Upon realizing this was very likely, I asked, “When?” and heard “November”. All at one my stomach flip flopped and my heart felt like it was going to explode out of my chest. I couldn’t get the feeling in my heart to go away and even now I am struggling to control it. It is a beautiful, wonderful feeling! It makes it hard to breathe, in a good way. It isn’t at all sexual. It is like a part of me is overjoyed and exploding with love. Yet I reject the feeling because I shouldn’t be feeling it. And when I stop to try and get control of myself I get covered in psychic chills and goose bumps which only makes it that much harder to reject the feeling.

And what does it all mean to me? What is the truth? That something is about to happen and I need to be ready to handle it? A part of me worries I will meet a man. I don’t want to meet anyone! Yet the feeling I get says to me that it is good, wonderful, amazingly fantastic. If you could feel the explosion in my heart right now you would understand.

I don’t want any upheaval in my life or my children’s lives. I want stability. I do not want to upset the balance. I do not want my family to go through divorce or separation or anything of the sort.

I am hoping that I am overreacting. That all of this is just a clearing of my chakras and something at a subconscious level was released. We’ll see I guess.

After Calming Down

All this overwhelming emotion and energy happened yesterday. It has not since returned, though I miss the wonderful feeling and do want it back. I have had many conversations with my guide since then. I recognize that I have a choice and that my Ego is overreacting, as is the norm. I also recognize that I created this, even though I have no obvious conscious memory of it.

I have been asking for help and healing. My second chakra has been blocked for some time. With it comes repressed emotion, lack of sexual desire and overall numbness in life. My heart chakra has also been blocked, though only partially. With the second chakra blocked, the energy balance of my other chakras has been suffering, resulting in overall numbness. I have been sleeping heavily to compensate and having intensely vivid dreams.

I made it very clear to my guide that I did not want to meet anyone or have any crazy, sexual attractions to anyone but my husband. While doing so, I realize it is totally up to me and that I was being made aware of what I was creating prior to its manifestation. Usually I am against knowing things in advance, but I am very relieve to have seen this before it materialized. I can avoid a major disaster.

It did occur to me that maybe nothing of the such is being manifested, that instead I am finally making progress in clearing the blockages. The amazing feeling I experienced was just that – a clearing out of the chakras that have been blocked. The feeling I had was very similar to kundalini energy when it rises. It is better than any drug. It is marvelous! If I could, I would lose myself in the feeling and keep it forever.

I hope beyond hope that the latter explanation is the winner and that my initial reaction is wrong. We so easily manifest, often without knowing it. I do miss feeling those wonderful feelings I felt yesterday, but it is not worth it to me to sacrifice everything I have built for that feeling.

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